[Why would you? And alone? Kogitsunemaru had asked.
And yet just as easily, Tsurumaru Kuninaga understood: You have to do some things yourself.
Mikazuki isn’t sure what to expect, or what he wants. maybe it’ll be the people he wants most to understand what he’s doing that will never quite get it. maybe it’ll be the one who understands it best will decide that he’s wrong for it.
Suishinshi is the same and he knows this - the desire to chase after him, to save him from himself. and yet he also feels that an impossible thing, when he is meant to repeat, and repeat, and - ]
I am not sure if I can declare that I am going to change anything.
[ it's an easy admittance. he isn't going to make a bold promise that he will solve all of mikazuki's problems for him, because he knows that won't be the case. ]
And I do not expect you to tell me everything. Just like I am sure you don't expect me to admit everything to you. [ it's just not how either of them work. ] I simply want to be, first and foremost, your friend.
to those who might play a tragic role in history - or in dismantling it. even if mikazuki has not yet found the way to escape from the rigidity of their mission, it does not change that he is trying. in what small, defiant ways that he can.]
[and finally, there is a truth. even at the village, mikazuki munechika had been this. no matter how many times they leave their homes, he thinks that he will not stop.
he is not the same as the mikazuki that tsurumaru knows - he knows not if he would be able to fight an entire group of swords, he already spent so long trying to reason with kogitsunemaru before attempting to behead him - but he is also so similar it's uncanny.
the sensation of what it means to repeat, and repeat. the accusation of being an enemy. the defense.]
It appears that I will always be Mikazuki Munechika.
[impossible to understand, only barely glimpsed by the light of the crescent moon.]
And there are some things that I cannot accept.
[which is why he will rather be lost, than accept being brought back to a path too cruel for him to walk]
it's burning on his tongue, the urge to try to keep this going, to get mikazuki to open up even a small portion of himself. he understands the other tsurumaru's frustration, although he believes their reasons for it come from different places.
he does not believe another person can fully, completely understand what it's like to be mikazuki munechika. but he doesn't like to be blocked from knowing even a little. ]
last time, higekiri had been there to intervene whether mikazuki liked it or not. this time, if tsurumaru won't draw his sword on mikazuki, then he has decided that he will not be the first to do so. in a way, it is a little better.
or maybe it would be preferred if they did let their blades do the talking.]
.... I have already given you more than any other.
[his shaking vulnerability in an unearthed grave, the rawness os his emotion after his excursion, and the dream that shook him to his core.
even here, now, he thinks he has said so much.
(but anything is greater than nothing.)]
What is it that you desire from me, Tsurumaru Kuninaga? My heart to be laid bare? A confession befitting a sinner or a criminal? What is it that will satisfy you?
I simply want you to know that I am here, Mikazuki. Even when everything is never-ending and hopeless, I am here.
[ he places his hand on the hilt of his blade, but it's not in a motion to draw it out. he just wants to feel it against his fingers to help him keep balance. it's funny, because he knows if he placed his hand against mikazuki's, it would still be the same sensation against his skin.
funny, that their humans forms can walk such different paths even though they both come from steel. ]
I do not believe the path in front of you is inevitable. Do I think changing its course will be difficult? Yes. And I am not arrogant enough to think that I alone have the power to break you out of this. But even if you are resigned to walking this path... I will be walking next to you, regardless of what I know or not.
[someone else's voice resonates in mikazuki's ears as he listens to tsurumaru speak.
I hope that you'll have more people that can stand by you someday, instead of people you'll have to wait to see.
funny, how even now, people see how prone mikazuki is to taking things on by himself. and how comfortable he is with taking things on by himself. it is simpler to walk this path alone, for it will almost certainly lead to his destruction.
isn't that what was clear even from tsurumaru's memory?]
... and should it end the same as your recollection?
[even if tsurumaru might end up harmed alongside him?]
which is different. even as lune, he would always allow tsurumaru to touch him as he pleased. to mikazuki, touch is precious. it is a way to not only gain other's attention, but to know that he has the autonomy to reach out to who he wants to.
the person he most wants to hold onto is reaching for him.
eventually, after who can say how long has passed, mikazuki will raise his hand to take tsurumaru's. he twines their fingers together, and tugs - this time to pull tsurumaru closer.
he doesn't mind being misunderstood. in fact, he prefers it. allow anyone to think what they'd like of him, because it will be easier on their own hearts when he betrays that trust and disappoints them terribly. but there is something else here.]
... I am always looking at you.
[and then softly, as though he's sharing a secret:] And that is why I do not wish for you to follow after me. Not when you are who I wish to care for most, and to see no harm come to you.
My heart is always yours, Mikazuki Munechika. Even if you did love me less.
[ even if mikazuki lets go of this hand, it will always be his.
he lets his face fall against mikazuki's shoulder, and he has to soak in the physical contact. he senses that they were so close to falling over an edge that he is not sure if they would have been able to climb back up from. even now, it feels like they're balancing over the precipice. ]
[ . . . mikazuki does not pull away - but there is something in him that remains tense. for a sword so commonly discussed and revered over centuries, there is still something uncomfortable to him about being properly witnessed. even the person he loves trying to know him.
there is a guilt in being aware that he was always going to bring tsurumaru sorrow eventually - but it is different, to have to be caught before it comes to pass, and pleaded with. he lets his thumb brush over tsurumaru's hand where they're intertwined, and his other comes to rest at his waist.]
You seem to underestimate how precious you are to me.
[ the feeling of having something other than history to think about. when their lives are so caught up with what happened in the past, that they relive the same events over and over again in order to preserve it.
it's nice, tsuru thinks, to be able to have a dream for the future that's just his. ]
What is the point in being a crane if I can't give the one I love some luck?
[mikazuki feels as though he'd need far more than luck to keep him from his own end - but at least his is chosen. at least these are the consequences of his own actions, rather than a predetermined fate.
but he supposes if anyone can get him to quietly hope for a miracle, it would be tsurumaru.
he brings his hand up to his face, tracing from temple to cheek to chin, as though memorizing him anew. next he closes the distance, pressing his lips against his forehead, by the corners his eyes, over the arches of his cheekbones, and then finally hovering just by his lips, just short of making contact
[ he thinks about how mikazuki was definitely ready to attack him earlier.
and he puts that thought aside, and just laughs instead-- quiet and sad but still filled with a kind of amusement that can only come from being around mikazuki munechika.
tsurumaru doesn't kiss him; he waits for mikazuki to make the move. ]
My Lune, you will only have to say that to me if you let go.
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And yet just as easily, Tsurumaru Kuninaga understood: You have to do some things yourself.
Mikazuki isn’t sure what to expect, or what he wants. maybe it’ll be the people he wants most to understand what he’s doing that will never quite get it. maybe it’ll be the one who understands it best will decide that he’s wrong for it.
Suishinshi is the same and he knows this - the desire to chase after him, to save him from himself. and yet he also feels that an impossible thing, when he is meant to repeat, and repeat, and - ]
What is it that you hope to change?
[what would knowing bring?]
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[ it's an easy admittance. he isn't going to make a bold promise that he will solve all of mikazuki's problems for him, because he knows that won't be the case. ]
And I do not expect you to tell me everything. Just like I am sure you don't expect me to admit everything to you. [ it's just not how either of them work. ] I simply want to be, first and foremost, your friend.
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to those who might play a tragic role in history - or in dismantling it. even if mikazuki has not yet found the way to escape from the rigidity of their mission, it does not change that he is trying. in what small, defiant ways that he can.]
… if nothing can change, why bother knowing?
[hypocrisy, hypocrisy.
but all he wants is tsuru’s answer.]
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[ he pauses, as he sees more stardust. it is, actually, fairly avoidable from where they're positioned and where it's falling.
tsuru decides to take a chance, and he'll walk to it, looking back at mikazuki.
a memory plays. and it's hard to tell from his expression if it's something he was hoping for, but he waits. ]
Don't you think that would be the best surprise of all?
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there is, finally, surprise in mikazuki’s expression.
and then all he can do is bow his head, and allow his shoulders to shake as he brings his hand to his mouth.]
Ha ha ha…
Ha ha ha ha!
[he laughs - because what else can he do, when faced with the realization that perhaps in every Citadel, he will always be just like this?
yet when he speaks again - there is a despair that shines in his eyes, no matter his smile]
It seems like some things are inevitable.
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[ it's murmured. he doesn't close the distance between them. ]
After that happened... my goal shifted into getting you to return to us, Mikazuki.
I cannot lose you.
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[and finally, there is a truth. even at the village, mikazuki munechika had been this. no matter how many times they leave their homes, he thinks that he will not stop.
he is not the same as the mikazuki that tsurumaru knows - he knows not if he would be able to fight an entire group of swords, he already spent so long trying to reason with kogitsunemaru before attempting to behead him - but he is also so similar it's uncanny.
the sensation of what it means to repeat, and repeat. the accusation of being an enemy. the defense.]
It appears that I will always be Mikazuki Munechika.
[impossible to understand, only barely glimpsed by the light of the crescent moon.]
And there are some things that I cannot accept.
[which is why he will rather be lost, than accept being brought back to a path too cruel for him to walk]
no subject
[ there is more he wants to say.
it's burning on his tongue, the urge to try to keep this going, to get mikazuki to open up even a small portion of himself. he understands the other tsurumaru's frustration, although he believes their reasons for it come from different places.
he does not believe another person can fully, completely understand what it's like to be mikazuki munechika. but he doesn't like to be blocked from knowing even a little. ]
no subject
last time, higekiri had been there to intervene whether mikazuki liked it or not. this time, if tsurumaru won't draw his sword on mikazuki, then he has decided that he will not be the first to do so. in a way, it is a little better.
or maybe it would be preferred if they did let their blades do the talking.]
.... I have already given you more than any other.
[his shaking vulnerability in an unearthed grave, the rawness os his emotion after his excursion, and the dream that shook him to his core.
even here, now, he thinks he has said so much.
(but anything is greater than nothing.)]
What is it that you desire from me, Tsurumaru Kuninaga? My heart to be laid bare? A confession befitting a sinner or a criminal? What is it that will satisfy you?
no subject
[ he places his hand on the hilt of his blade, but it's not in a motion to draw it out. he just wants to feel it against his fingers to help him keep balance. it's funny, because he knows if he placed his hand against mikazuki's, it would still be the same sensation against his skin.
funny, that their humans forms can walk such different paths even though they both come from steel. ]
I do not believe the path in front of you is inevitable. Do I think changing its course will be difficult? Yes. And I am not arrogant enough to think that I alone have the power to break you out of this. But even if you are resigned to walking this path... I will be walking next to you, regardless of what I know or not.
[ he bows. ]
That is all.
no subject
I hope that you'll have more people that can stand by you someday, instead of people you'll have to wait to see.
funny, how even now, people see how prone mikazuki is to taking things on by himself. and how comfortable he is with taking things on by himself. it is simpler to walk this path alone, for it will almost certainly lead to his destruction.
isn't that what was clear even from tsurumaru's memory?]
... and should it end the same as your recollection?
[even if tsurumaru might end up harmed alongside him?]
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[ he takes a step towards him, and then another. his movements are slow, like he's giving mikazuki a choice to move away from him or not. ]
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[but he doesn't step away.]
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[ he'll move closer. ]
We seem to desire different things.
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. . . but he does manage a smile. it is a little sincere.]
I would rather be alone at the end of my journey.
[a beat]
I do not wish to leave you.
[it is not just between the two of them that want different things - but there is a contradictory in mikazuki's own desires]
... they say it is impossible to truly know a mind, even your own.
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Being alive is truly complex, isn't it?
[ he reaches out, and his hand hovers close to mikazuki's, not yet touching but still there. ]
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which is different. even as lune, he would always allow tsurumaru to touch him as he pleased. to mikazuki, touch is precious. it is a way to not only gain other's attention, but to know that he has the autonomy to reach out to who he wants to.
the person he most wants to hold onto is reaching for him.
still, he deliberates.]
... that is the beauty of it.
As well as its tragedy.
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Don't only look forward so that you can't see who's besides you, Mikazuki.
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eventually, after who can say how long has passed, mikazuki will raise his hand to take tsurumaru's. he twines their fingers together, and tugs - this time to pull tsurumaru closer.
he doesn't mind being misunderstood. in fact, he prefers it. allow anyone to think what they'd like of him, because it will be easier on their own hearts when he betrays that trust and disappoints them terribly. but there is something else here.]
... I am always looking at you.
[and then softly, as though he's sharing a secret:] And that is why I do not wish for you to follow after me. Not when you are who I wish to care for most, and to see no harm come to you.
This would be simpler if only I loved you less.
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[ even if mikazuki lets go of this hand, it will always be his.
he lets his face fall against mikazuki's shoulder, and he has to soak in the physical contact. he senses that they were so close to falling over an edge that he is not sure if they would have been able to climb back up from. even now, it feels like they're balancing over the precipice. ]
Please remain in my care.
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there is a guilt in being aware that he was always going to bring tsurumaru sorrow eventually - but it is different, to have to be caught before it comes to pass, and pleaded with. he lets his thumb brush over tsurumaru's hand where they're intertwined, and his other comes to rest at his waist.]
... why do you persist?
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[ the feeling of having something other than history to think about. when their lives are so caught up with what happened in the past, that they relive the same events over and over again in order to preserve it.
it's nice, tsuru thinks, to be able to have a dream for the future that's just his. ]
What is the point in being a crane if I can't give the one I love some luck?
no subject
but he supposes if anyone can get him to quietly hope for a miracle, it would be tsurumaru.
he brings his hand up to his face, tracing from temple to cheek to chin, as though memorizing him anew. next he closes the distance, pressing his lips against his forehead, by the corners his eyes, over the arches of his cheekbones, and then finally hovering just by his lips, just short of making contact
softly, softly - ]
I am sorry.
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and he puts that thought aside, and just laughs instead-- quiet and sad but still filled with a kind of amusement that can only come from being around mikazuki munechika.
tsurumaru doesn't kiss him; he waits for mikazuki to make the move. ]
My Lune, you will only have to say that to me if you let go.
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[it's a promise he wants to make but can't quite bring himself to]
Is that enough?
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