because that's the problem with mikazuki-- he speaks in implications, in truths that are so tightly veiled that when you finally uncover one, ten more have already been hidden away. and even when there's many things that tsuru is confident that he understands about the other, he is fully aware that he is only seeing part of a much bigger picture.
so, there's a look in his eyes that is familiar to mikazuki-- frustration, one that the other tsurumaru kuninaga wears more often than this one when it comes to this old man. ]
You always want to hear my thoughts. What can I even say, when I am only handed a small part of a picture? Just a singular piece of grief in your history.
in that it only seems to solidify what mikazuki is thinking. whatever that is. it makes his smile curl a bit more - and rather than allowing tsurumaru to hold onto his arm, he finally moves to pull away. a warning tug first. release him.]
mikazuki munechika is always prepared to draw his blade - but he often chooses not to. but there are moments where he feels driven to it, because sometimes you would rather draw blood - anyone's - than face the ordeal of being known by someone who may still not understand.
he's still not sure if tsurumaru will. kogitsunemaru did not, even for all the years he had spent at mikazuki's side.
love is impeccable and it is a feeling that mikazuki would never trade - and yet, he still wonders if it is enough.]
I think that nothing upsets me more than knowing you are holding this burden alone.
[ this is true for this mikazuki, and it's true for the other mikazuki.
tsurumaru has a goal, and it's to drag mikazuki munechika back to him at all costs. which? both. even if his exact feelings for them may differ, at the end of the day this great, beautiful sword has found multiple ways to ease into his heart.
this memory isn't really a surprise. he knew, from the moment the mikazuki from his own citadel went rogue, that this one was likely up to something as well. the problem is that he still can't quite get close enough to get the actual answer that he wants... ]
[Why would you? And alone? Kogitsunemaru had asked.
And yet just as easily, Tsurumaru Kuninaga understood: You have to do some things yourself.
Mikazuki isn’t sure what to expect, or what he wants. maybe it’ll be the people he wants most to understand what he’s doing that will never quite get it. maybe it’ll be the one who understands it best will decide that he’s wrong for it.
Suishinshi is the same and he knows this - the desire to chase after him, to save him from himself. and yet he also feels that an impossible thing, when he is meant to repeat, and repeat, and - ]
I am not sure if I can declare that I am going to change anything.
[ it's an easy admittance. he isn't going to make a bold promise that he will solve all of mikazuki's problems for him, because he knows that won't be the case. ]
And I do not expect you to tell me everything. Just like I am sure you don't expect me to admit everything to you. [ it's just not how either of them work. ] I simply want to be, first and foremost, your friend.
to those who might play a tragic role in history - or in dismantling it. even if mikazuki has not yet found the way to escape from the rigidity of their mission, it does not change that he is trying. in what small, defiant ways that he can.]
[and finally, there is a truth. even at the village, mikazuki munechika had been this. no matter how many times they leave their homes, he thinks that he will not stop.
he is not the same as the mikazuki that tsurumaru knows - he knows not if he would be able to fight an entire group of swords, he already spent so long trying to reason with kogitsunemaru before attempting to behead him - but he is also so similar it's uncanny.
the sensation of what it means to repeat, and repeat. the accusation of being an enemy. the defense.]
It appears that I will always be Mikazuki Munechika.
[impossible to understand, only barely glimpsed by the light of the crescent moon.]
And there are some things that I cannot accept.
[which is why he will rather be lost, than accept being brought back to a path too cruel for him to walk]
it's burning on his tongue, the urge to try to keep this going, to get mikazuki to open up even a small portion of himself. he understands the other tsurumaru's frustration, although he believes their reasons for it come from different places.
he does not believe another person can fully, completely understand what it's like to be mikazuki munechika. but he doesn't like to be blocked from knowing even a little. ]
last time, higekiri had been there to intervene whether mikazuki liked it or not. this time, if tsurumaru won't draw his sword on mikazuki, then he has decided that he will not be the first to do so. in a way, it is a little better.
or maybe it would be preferred if they did let their blades do the talking.]
.... I have already given you more than any other.
[his shaking vulnerability in an unearthed grave, the rawness os his emotion after his excursion, and the dream that shook him to his core.
even here, now, he thinks he has said so much.
(but anything is greater than nothing.)]
What is it that you desire from me, Tsurumaru Kuninaga? My heart to be laid bare? A confession befitting a sinner or a criminal? What is it that will satisfy you?
I simply want you to know that I am here, Mikazuki. Even when everything is never-ending and hopeless, I am here.
[ he places his hand on the hilt of his blade, but it's not in a motion to draw it out. he just wants to feel it against his fingers to help him keep balance. it's funny, because he knows if he placed his hand against mikazuki's, it would still be the same sensation against his skin.
funny, that their humans forms can walk such different paths even though they both come from steel. ]
I do not believe the path in front of you is inevitable. Do I think changing its course will be difficult? Yes. And I am not arrogant enough to think that I alone have the power to break you out of this. But even if you are resigned to walking this path... I will be walking next to you, regardless of what I know or not.
[someone else's voice resonates in mikazuki's ears as he listens to tsurumaru speak.
I hope that you'll have more people that can stand by you someday, instead of people you'll have to wait to see.
funny, how even now, people see how prone mikazuki is to taking things on by himself. and how comfortable he is with taking things on by himself. it is simpler to walk this path alone, for it will almost certainly lead to his destruction.
isn't that what was clear even from tsurumaru's memory?]
... and should it end the same as your recollection?
[even if tsurumaru might end up harmed alongside him?]
which is different. even as lune, he would always allow tsurumaru to touch him as he pleased. to mikazuki, touch is precious. it is a way to not only gain other's attention, but to know that he has the autonomy to reach out to who he wants to.
the person he most wants to hold onto is reaching for him.
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because that's the problem with mikazuki-- he speaks in implications, in truths that are so tightly veiled that when you finally uncover one, ten more have already been hidden away. and even when there's many things that tsuru is confident that he understands about the other, he is fully aware that he is only seeing part of a much bigger picture.
so, there's a look in his eyes that is familiar to mikazuki-- frustration, one that the other tsurumaru kuninaga wears more often than this one when it comes to this old man. ]
You always want to hear my thoughts. What can I even say, when I am only handed a small part of a picture? Just a singular piece of grief in your history.
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in that it only seems to solidify what mikazuki is thinking. whatever that is. it makes his smile curl a bit more - and rather than allowing tsurumaru to hold onto his arm, he finally moves to pull away. a warning tug first. release him.]
Then perhaps you are not meant to understand.
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I don't think you can decide what I am or am not meant to do.
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Then we appear to be at an impasse.
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I want to know you.
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it makes him pause.
obviously so.
mikazuki munechika is always prepared to draw his blade - but he often chooses not to. but there are moments where he feels driven to it, because sometimes you would rather draw blood - anyone's - than face the ordeal of being known by someone who may still not understand.
he's still not sure if tsurumaru will. kogitsunemaru did not, even for all the years he had spent at mikazuki's side.
love is impeccable and it is a feeling that mikazuki would never trade - and yet, he still wonders if it is enough.]
... it will only upset you.
[you may still love me less.]
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[ this is true for this mikazuki, and it's true for the other mikazuki.
tsurumaru has a goal, and it's to drag mikazuki munechika back to him at all costs. which? both. even if his exact feelings for them may differ, at the end of the day this great, beautiful sword has found multiple ways to ease into his heart.
this memory isn't really a surprise. he knew, from the moment the mikazuki from his own citadel went rogue, that this one was likely up to something as well. the problem is that he still can't quite get close enough to get the actual answer that he wants... ]
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And yet just as easily, Tsurumaru Kuninaga understood: You have to do some things yourself.
Mikazuki isn’t sure what to expect, or what he wants. maybe it’ll be the people he wants most to understand what he’s doing that will never quite get it. maybe it’ll be the one who understands it best will decide that he’s wrong for it.
Suishinshi is the same and he knows this - the desire to chase after him, to save him from himself. and yet he also feels that an impossible thing, when he is meant to repeat, and repeat, and - ]
What is it that you hope to change?
[what would knowing bring?]
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[ it's an easy admittance. he isn't going to make a bold promise that he will solve all of mikazuki's problems for him, because he knows that won't be the case. ]
And I do not expect you to tell me everything. Just like I am sure you don't expect me to admit everything to you. [ it's just not how either of them work. ] I simply want to be, first and foremost, your friend.
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to those who might play a tragic role in history - or in dismantling it. even if mikazuki has not yet found the way to escape from the rigidity of their mission, it does not change that he is trying. in what small, defiant ways that he can.]
… if nothing can change, why bother knowing?
[hypocrisy, hypocrisy.
but all he wants is tsuru’s answer.]
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[ he pauses, as he sees more stardust. it is, actually, fairly avoidable from where they're positioned and where it's falling.
tsuru decides to take a chance, and he'll walk to it, looking back at mikazuki.
a memory plays. and it's hard to tell from his expression if it's something he was hoping for, but he waits. ]
Don't you think that would be the best surprise of all?
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there is, finally, surprise in mikazuki’s expression.
and then all he can do is bow his head, and allow his shoulders to shake as he brings his hand to his mouth.]
Ha ha ha…
Ha ha ha ha!
[he laughs - because what else can he do, when faced with the realization that perhaps in every Citadel, he will always be just like this?
yet when he speaks again - there is a despair that shines in his eyes, no matter his smile]
It seems like some things are inevitable.
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[ it's murmured. he doesn't close the distance between them. ]
After that happened... my goal shifted into getting you to return to us, Mikazuki.
I cannot lose you.
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[and finally, there is a truth. even at the village, mikazuki munechika had been this. no matter how many times they leave their homes, he thinks that he will not stop.
he is not the same as the mikazuki that tsurumaru knows - he knows not if he would be able to fight an entire group of swords, he already spent so long trying to reason with kogitsunemaru before attempting to behead him - but he is also so similar it's uncanny.
the sensation of what it means to repeat, and repeat. the accusation of being an enemy. the defense.]
It appears that I will always be Mikazuki Munechika.
[impossible to understand, only barely glimpsed by the light of the crescent moon.]
And there are some things that I cannot accept.
[which is why he will rather be lost, than accept being brought back to a path too cruel for him to walk]
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[ there is more he wants to say.
it's burning on his tongue, the urge to try to keep this going, to get mikazuki to open up even a small portion of himself. he understands the other tsurumaru's frustration, although he believes their reasons for it come from different places.
he does not believe another person can fully, completely understand what it's like to be mikazuki munechika. but he doesn't like to be blocked from knowing even a little. ]
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last time, higekiri had been there to intervene whether mikazuki liked it or not. this time, if tsurumaru won't draw his sword on mikazuki, then he has decided that he will not be the first to do so. in a way, it is a little better.
or maybe it would be preferred if they did let their blades do the talking.]
.... I have already given you more than any other.
[his shaking vulnerability in an unearthed grave, the rawness os his emotion after his excursion, and the dream that shook him to his core.
even here, now, he thinks he has said so much.
(but anything is greater than nothing.)]
What is it that you desire from me, Tsurumaru Kuninaga? My heart to be laid bare? A confession befitting a sinner or a criminal? What is it that will satisfy you?
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[ he places his hand on the hilt of his blade, but it's not in a motion to draw it out. he just wants to feel it against his fingers to help him keep balance. it's funny, because he knows if he placed his hand against mikazuki's, it would still be the same sensation against his skin.
funny, that their humans forms can walk such different paths even though they both come from steel. ]
I do not believe the path in front of you is inevitable. Do I think changing its course will be difficult? Yes. And I am not arrogant enough to think that I alone have the power to break you out of this. But even if you are resigned to walking this path... I will be walking next to you, regardless of what I know or not.
[ he bows. ]
That is all.
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I hope that you'll have more people that can stand by you someday, instead of people you'll have to wait to see.
funny, how even now, people see how prone mikazuki is to taking things on by himself. and how comfortable he is with taking things on by himself. it is simpler to walk this path alone, for it will almost certainly lead to his destruction.
isn't that what was clear even from tsurumaru's memory?]
... and should it end the same as your recollection?
[even if tsurumaru might end up harmed alongside him?]
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[ he takes a step towards him, and then another. his movements are slow, like he's giving mikazuki a choice to move away from him or not. ]
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[but he doesn't step away.]
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[ he'll move closer. ]
We seem to desire different things.
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. . . but he does manage a smile. it is a little sincere.]
I would rather be alone at the end of my journey.
[a beat]
I do not wish to leave you.
[it is not just between the two of them that want different things - but there is a contradictory in mikazuki's own desires]
... they say it is impossible to truly know a mind, even your own.
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Being alive is truly complex, isn't it?
[ he reaches out, and his hand hovers close to mikazuki's, not yet touching but still there. ]
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which is different. even as lune, he would always allow tsurumaru to touch him as he pleased. to mikazuki, touch is precious. it is a way to not only gain other's attention, but to know that he has the autonomy to reach out to who he wants to.
the person he most wants to hold onto is reaching for him.
still, he deliberates.]
... that is the beauty of it.
As well as its tragedy.
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Don't only look forward so that you can't see who's besides you, Mikazuki.
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